In the middle

I’m smack dab in the middle of one giant step to another, and I don’t know what to do in this middle space.

I am REALLY driven, but I don’t know what I’m driven to right now.
Or more so, I do.  I want to be a Mom, and I want Gus to be a Dad and I want to welcome our sweet sweet baby into a very loving and happy and healthy home.

Except, I’m not pregnant.  We were told in late April we were expecting and we were SO EXCITED!  Trick was, we weren’t and never had been...we didn’t find out until May 28th that we were not going to be parents by the end of the year like we so excited about.  Our new home’s nursery plan quickly changed into my office - and  I’m 99.9% positive my heart is still totally broken and I don’t know how to piece these bad boys back together.

So for now, I’m a commercial real estate broker, and I don’t know if I want to be one of those either...because I want to be a Mom.  And there’s nothing I can do about it.  You can’t “work harder” to get pregnant - it’s just something that gets to happen to you.  And honestly, the harder you work at it - the more your body stresses out and it has the total opposite effect.

Part of being a Broker is you walk into buildings and find out who you need to talk to and hopefully get through all of the gate keepers and get to talk to that one contact - who will hopefully need help now or down the road.  I went Thursday and had a blast...it’s now Tuesday.  I went today and couldn’t get out of the car.  I came up with a million excuses - and ended up going to Joann’s Fabrics to do research on sewing machines because I want to sew things and create.

I love being a broker - the thrill of the deal lights me up...but in the middle of this - I feel so jumbled.  I haven’t even been able to admit it to myself until today that I am jumbled. I don’t want to be jumbled...I want to be driven towards something I can physically attain through enough maneuvering.  But this - is - hard.  

I met a woman on Saturday who has been trying for 7 years to conceive with her husband and they are on their 3rd round of IVF - and they have only been able to retrieve 2 eggs in 3 rounds...and no baby.  That is 3 months of DAILY shots in her stomach, and $60,000 for 2 eggs that didn’t stick into her lining. 

How dare I get jumbled when I meet her??  She was kind, funny and drop dead gorgeous - her husband was her biggest fan and she loved him tremendously.  Then I get on facebook and see someone complaining about how she just wants a day away from all 4 of her kids because she can’t handle them anymore.

I am jumbled. And me repeating that I am jumbled is probably why I am.  It’s becoming my mantra today.

But tomorrow my mantra is - one foot in front of the other, get in there and go.  The only way to un jumble rope is to find either the beginning or the end and manipulate it from there, so that’s what I’ve got to do. 

I have to find (or make) my beginning.  My beginning of becoming a Mama - of being okay with the loss that happened in my soul but not my body.  Of being so inspired by my husband it causes me to get up and put one foot in front of another.  And of being okay that I love every single ounce of my life - but still have a longing deep in my heart desire to grow our family.  

You can be both feelings at the same time.  You can be grateful and yearn for more - you can be belly laughing and over-joyous in one breath, and heart broken in the next.  You can feel every ounce of emotion - and you can be totally okay and totally destroyed - you don’t have to choose one feeling, you can feel them all.

You cannot be a victim and you cannot dwell...or I - I cannot be a victim and I cannot dwell.  I have to rise - I will rise - I will grow - and gosh darn it...I will become a Mama at the most perfect timing.  Because I know that is who I am meant to become..and my Gus, he was made to be a Dad.

So if you are like me - tomorrow morning (however many “tomorrow mornings” you may need) let’s put one foot in front of the other - rise and grow mama -
R I S E and G R O W.